This article was originally published on Vamped on February 14, 2017.
Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday that usually focusses on romance with yummy chocolates, heartfelt gushy cards, cuddly teddy bears, tasty wine or champagne, and candle light dinners. We went that route last year. But what one important thing about the holiday is missing from the equation? Sex.
Everyone does it, yet few talk about it. I did the dirty work for you (pun intended) and ventured to the dark depths of the internet to find vampire sex toys, so you won’t have to. These fangtastic goodies are sure to bring a smile to your partner on this day of love. In some cases, the gift that keeps giving. Warning, the following is not safe for work.
#5. Tru: A XXX Parody DVD (US$14.28)
I always referred to the actual show as soft porn, but this takes things up a notch. When I first started watching the original series, my other half came in part way through the show and was like what the hell are you watching?
Due to the graphic nature of the video, I can’t show you the trailer, but the product description does say, “Sookie and her friends find themselves pushing all their limits, both mentally and sexually, in a climax you’ll have to see to believe!”
The videos earned ratings from one to five stars. Considering this is a two disc collector’s edition, it is well worth the $14.28 plus shipping. If this doesn’t do it for you, they also have some Buffy and Twilight video parodies, too.
#4. Sex in a Can: Vampire Succu Dry (CAD$65.95)
Keep your vampire fantasies alive with this special vampire mouth-shaped orifice toy. This baby even is lined with mini fangs inside for that added level of pleasure. The container masquerades as a tall beer can you can easily hide in plain site from your friends. The only downside with this type of toy is it’s a pain in the ass to clean.
#3. Vampire Condoms (US$2)
Vampire condoms are a new one I haven’t seen before. I was disappointed their site doesn’t actually show the product and only says, “one fully functional black latex condom.” I assume this is to imply it’s not a novelty condom.
The site has “top 10 reasons to use a vampire condom” and they are quite amusing: “vampires are legendary for their endurance,” “gives you a good excuse to leave before dawn” and “vampires always get invited inside.”
Before you get too excited, they only deliver to Canada or the USA, but for only $2.00 each or five for $5.95 it’s a steal.
#2. Women Sexy Vampire Lingerie Costume (US$32.94)
Get everyone’s blood pumping in the bedroom with this sexy little number. It’s doesn’t leave much to the imagination, but that’s what is great about it.
It comes in one size only, which according to their sizing chart, the measurements average a size twelve US. Based on most women’s measurements, this could be a tight fit; however, being made of spandex might help the fitting.
I loved the mini cape branding a cross and popped collar. The only thing you’ll need to complete this outfit is some smart stilettos and fangs. Van Helsing won’t be able to resist staking this vampire.
#1. Cunt Dracula (From £500)
For the price, this better be the world’s best dildo ever, be it vampire themed or not!
They promote this as not only a sex toy, but a handcrafted work of art. The product description says “CUNT DRACULA is a limited edition erotic piece of art of 100 pieces. Each one is numbered and signed by creator Shed Simove.”
When you order online, you can actually order a specific number of preference. If vampires aren’t your thing and you have extra money to burn, they also offer a genie, rabbi and Queen Elizabeth II. I don’t know about you, but a dildo shaped like an aging monarch isn’t really a turn on.
I wish I could track down more naughty gifts, but you wouldn’t believe how time consuming this task was. Whether you spend it with a loved one or alone with your left hand, I hope you all have a fangtastic Valentine’s Day and night. Either way, love the one you’re with!
- Tru: A XXX Parody DVD: CD Universe, accessed Feb. 8, 2017, http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=8152808.
- Sex in a Can: Vampire Succu Dry: Fleshlight, accessed Feb. 8, 2017, https://www.fleshlight.ca/products/vampire-succu-dry.
- Vampire Condoms: Vampire Condoms, accessed Feb. 11, 2017, http://www.vampirecondoms.com.
- Women Sexy Vampire Lingerie Costume: Fancy Ladies, accessed Feb. 11, 2017, http://www.fancyladies.com/women-sexy-vampire-lingerie-costume-p6055.html#.WKAL1z3Qelk.
- Cunt Dracula: Masturpieces, accessed Feb. 8, 2017, http://masturpieces.com/shop/dildos/cunt-dracula-2/.
If you’re still in the mood, check out last years’ Valentine’s Day post, “Love Bites: 5 Last Minute Gift Ideas for Your Vampire Valentine.”